A Stunning New Slant on Service

Charitable service is something that I feel passionately about. Growing up, I had seen a lot of loving sacrifice on the part of my parents within our own family, but it wasn’t until after I had become an adult that I learned of the joy of reaching out to others. Service, it is called.

I’m never happier than when I am producing?gathering and donating and sewing and crocheting?to fill the needs of others. It makes me feel so good about myself! But now I’m thinking that it’s all about me. I see now that, when it comes to service, I am still learning, still in process. Let me explain.

Last Sunday was a rather disturbing experience for me. A group of women were discussing the difference between acts of service as opposed to truly charitable service. The quote was given: “It’s not the shilling you give me that counts, but the warmth that it carries with it from your hand.” (I thought of the times that I had gladly delivered a meal or a loaf of bread to another family?but I seldom had taken the time to stay and visit.)

Near the beginning of the discussion, the story was told of a 94-year-old woman who had said to another, “Service isn’t cookies. Don’t come to church on Sunday and tell me that you’ve been thinking of me during the week!”

Also reported was the experience of a young woman who had wanted to reach out to a girl who seemed to have built a barrier around herself. After repeated kindhearted but unsuccessful attempts to begin a friendship, the young woman decided to go to the girl’s home. There on the door was posted a sign: “If you bring us any more cookies and cakes, we will throw them away.” (Personally, I could not understand at the time how anyone could be such an ungracious receiver, when folks were only trying the best way they knew how to be friendly. I love it when people bring me cookies!)

Adding to my unsettled feelings during the discussion was the personal experience shared by a young woman in the back of the room. She had earlier married a man not of her faith and had become less active in her own participation at church. She had become the focus of attempts from others to reactivate her. But instead of her feeling that she was genuinely loved and cared about, she felt like she was “a project.” She wondered if she were being talked about at church and in other meetings. Now, years later and in happier circumstances, she remembers well the pain of feeling that she was a problem and “a project” to others.

My thoughts were troubled. Why did all those people reject the efforts of others to reach out to them? I related to the group a recollection of Elaine Cannon, who wrote, with some shame, that in her early married life, there was a family in their neighborhood that was obviously needy. Some kind of medical emergency had occurred in which the family had to be away for a short time. The neighbors wanted them to be able to return to a nice, clean home and so decided to do an act of service by cleaning their house. While there, they also noticed how dilapidated the house had become and decided that an even better service project would be to repaint the home’s interior. They covered the colorful walls with white, even painting over the growth marks of the children on the wall. The family returned, but within a very few weeks, they packed up and moved away, balloons and streamers attached to their car, honking their horn all the way as they drove out of the neighborhood.

It wasn’t until two days after that disquieting discussion that the puzzle pieces came together for me. On that day I was at Utah Valley State College at the annual Leadership Conference attended by over 4,000 high school students from all over the state of Utah. One of the breakout sessions was titled “Leadership through Service,” presented by Bill Hulterstrom, president of United Way of Utah County for the past 22 years.

He taught that service should be built around people’s strengths, not upon their deficiencies and weaknesses. A woman who found a box full of food and cash contributions on her porch wept as she said, “My neighbors think I’m poor.” People may not appreciate our service if by it they are made to feel worse: “I don’t need you to come here and remind me of my problems.” He said a goal for us to keep in mind is to “do no harm” as we serve.

Now I could understand why, when I persistently offered to clean the bathrooms of two different women who each had several small children, that my offers were not welcomed. (I love to make bathrooms sparkly clean, but I don’t do windows.) The message was that they were obviously incapable of keeping their own bathrooms clean.

Now I could see why at my cousin’s funeral, one of her eight children told of the lean days when money was scarce in which she scrimped and made do, using her ingenuity and hard work to feed and clothe their children. And when their bishop came with a box of food for them, she declined it, saying, “Take it to someone who needs it.” She would not accept the implied message that she was not capable of providing for her own children.

I remembered the excitement of two young teenagers who wanted to do something for another girl they knew—a girl who lacked friends and apparently didn’t feel very good about herself. They decided that what she needed was a new wardrobe, and so with joy and anticipation they pooled their babysitting money, went shopping, and stuffed a humongous wicker basket full of new clothes, accessories, hygiene items, and candy, and a sweet note, delivering it to her doorstep anonymously. I thought now of the painful message that their generous gesture might have carried. Despite their wish to make her life better, did she feel even worse about herself to be given such a gift? Sadly, it didn’t seem to transform her feelings of self-worth. Indeed, the friends she hangs out with now dress in black.

My 15-year-old daughter performs a delightful rendition of the song “Popular” from the musical Wicked: “Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I—and let’s face it, who isn’t less fortunate than I?—My tender heart tends to start to bleed. And when someone needs a makeover, I simply have to take over; I know I know exactly what they need!” The lyrics then tell specifically how she will teach the other person to become popular…. “And tho’ you protest your disinterest…you’re gonna grin and bear it, your new-found popularity.”

Why do we think we know what another person needs? What they need is to feel valued for their strengths, not singled out for their perceived weaknesses. They need to feel empowered rather than incompetent.

Hulterstrom said the best service that can be performed for elderly people is to simply listen to them share their life’s experiences, with frequent, brief verbal acknowledgement throughout.

At least I had done one thing right. When we present our family variety shows at assisted living centers, I tell the people how glad we are to see them again and that we are happy to be with them. That our performing these programs ever since our children were very small had been such a wonderful blessing for them—to have the opportunity to improve their talents and increase their self-confidence with such an accepting and appreciative audience. That we had wanted for our children (whose grandparents are all deceased) the benefit of being able to associate with these wonderful older folks who have lived such rich, full lives. That we hope that they have enjoyed the program, but the greater blessing has been ours, because of them.

I’m still learning. I know now that the purpose of service is to benefit others, and an important part of that is to help people to feel better about themselves by looking for and acknowledging their strengths. One thing I know for sure: True charitable service is a wonderful, joyful blessing to both the giver and the receiver.